Confession: at the very moment when I should be ramping up something about Trump, I’m Trumped out. There’s too much slop and non-slop at the moment to get a handle on. Is he a pedophile? Is he even completely alive? Good questions that I can’t answer right now!
Instead, I have to try something difficult that nobody will like: attempting to evoke a twinge of sympathy for Trump’s understudy, JD Vance. A fool’s mission, and not because of the politics involved—I haven’t read his book and really should so I can’t comment on his full persona, but Vance seems like the type of person who would be vaguely unlikable no matter his inclinations.
But still, if we don’t try hard things… and the truth of it is that Vance, despite being an unsympathetic person, is in a nasty position at the moment: he has to constantly avow his loyalty to an elderly man whose humiliation, incapacitation, or death is his best chance at the brass ring. He may deserve what he’s gotten himself into, and he may get out of it much better than he was before, but at this very specific moment, he is deserving of, if not pity, at least some sort of non-vitriolic regard.
Now one of my dear readers might say that things aren’t so bad for old Vance, he’ll get his chance in 2028. Really? Let’s say that Trump makes it across the finish line with some of his fanbase intact, not so completely reviled that anyone in his circle would be automatically disqualified from a public-facing career at a gas station, much less a public-facing career in international politics. If that scenario comes to pass, and it’s looking increasingly doubtful, a capricious Trump could select another as his heir. It could be Marco Rubio. It could be Ivanka or Theo Von or Barron. It could be a talking dog. I don’t think it will be a talking dog, because even if mankind somehow creates a talking dog, none of these people seem like pet lovers, but that’s the reality of the situation.
Or, much more likely, Trump could just pick nobody at all, because really, who could do it better?
Even in the best case scenario, in which a not-totally-radioactive Trump places a beautiful golden crown atop JD Vance’s brow, kisses him on both cheeks, and forces the entire ballroom of the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center to bow to him, there’s no guarantee that JD Vance would win because in this scenario there are still elections and somebody else could win. Somebody else would probably win, just out of natural momentum between the parties! Vance did all that for nothing.
It’s not really nothing, of course; the opportunities for graft must be immense, and being vice president now could lead to something non-presidential later, like a Supreme Court justiceship (although, again, there’s only nine of those and usually somebody has to die for one of those positions to open up). Even if Vance wants to stay out of government, he should at least be able to swing a lucrative position in the private sector. And being the policy man for a 79-year-old egomaniac could be a great job for the kind of quiet personality who finds access to the levers of power more satisfying than publicity. Maybe there’s some room for influence there, and perhaps being the man behind the throne is more satisfying than having to take the full flack.
But it’s still not the title and the full rank, nobody plays for second place, nobody remembers who lives in the Naval Observatory. (Is it even nice inside the Naval Observatory? Who knows or cares?)
So… the great wait. Vance can bask in the sympathies of his friends and allies all he likes, but if fate doesn’t take the reins and soon, then… Alas!
At this point I have to admit that I doubt myself. Maybe I’m being too harsh on a fellow human being. Perhaps he’s just grateful to be there. Maybe he enjoys being a mediator between his betters and occasionally blasting out messages of support. Maybe he has a genuinely submissive personality, a creature of perfect loyalty who accepts everything that comes his way in a Zen-like fashion. Whatever happens to him, happens. I don’t believe that’s true because Vance posts all the fucking time, 1which isn’t the behavior of somebody with perfect or even very good self-control, but again, I don’t have any special insight. Vance could just be a very ambitious person whose ambitions happily end in perpetual service to others. Yes, that’s about as realistic as the talking dog scenario, but it technically could be!
Or maybe Vance isn’t a particularly sturdy soul but instead has some sort of inside information that makes things easier to tolerate. He spends his days serenely looking on at the future corpse (literal or figurative) that, in a short period of time, will no longer impede his ascent. And it’s not as if he’s completely without agency or friends; while he might not be such a villain as to maneuver his boss out of the physical world, Macbeth-style, he could be quietly maneuvering his aging boss out of the political world. It’s a depressing though—the presidency, supposedly the highest power in the world, functioning as a kind of hospice. Still, it seems like a likely enough scenario and would explain why Vance publicly displays such a loyal heart.
So. Those are the two possibilities available. None of them are great! Here remains an unhappy creature, unless and until he’s relieved by death or treachery. Even if he knows the day and date of his ascension, it isn’t there yet.
And it gets worse for everyone involved, even if it does get better for Vance. Suppose that Trump is removed from office, by whatever means. Even if Vance gets it… is he really getting it? How are you supposed to follow a megalomaniac? A lot has been forgiven Trump because he’s such a blatant showman, the Messalina of publicity, and even he may not be able to get away with it forever. Nothing would be forgiven Vance, he’s just an ordinary person and worse, a politician, which is absolutely contemptible in a leader. His only hope would be that the office of the presidency is still so sacred that he gets to wield the power of violence, too, just because he’s been blessed by the system. His legitimacy is entirely dependent on the kind of rotting liberal institutions that he himself publicly despises.
If Vance becomes president, it would be a generational change. But generational changes are supposed to be hopeful. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama won voters’ hearts with a positive message about the future—more tolerance, better living conditions, world peace, the end of racism, increased sexual freedom, whatever. Now maybe they didn’t deliver, but they didn’t luck their way into it because there were literally no more father figures left. They represented some special desire for the future, or at least the idea that change was possible.
JD Vance represents the great millennial aspiration: inheriting a rotting old house from a disgusting boomer because there’s no way you can earn it on your own. What a prospect! As one who in all probability will be much better remembered than him said—sad!
The obvious candidate for Vance’s worst posting foul was forgetting to delete his posts about the Epstein coverup, but my favorite is when he signed up to Bluesky to do some race trolling and tagged Jamelle Bouie. There are three black men on Bluesky! You don’t need to tag him! Why is the vice president of the United States on Bluesky anyway?
“JD Vance represents the great millennial aspiration: inheriting a rotting old house from a disgusting boomer because there’s no way you can earn it on your own.”
This is a perfect line!
I think he loves it.